Trip report: Doing Vegas Wrong, August 2024

In late 2021, someone in the
VegasNerdiverse proposed a wager
on when LAS would convert all
their signs to "Harry Reid". I don't
remember where the line was, but
I took the over. Seems wise.

Ten days ago, the morning of August 10, I was doomscrolling Facebook and their algorithm fed me an ad: Alan Parsons Live Project, in Las Vegas, August 17 at the Smith Center. 

I've been an Alan Parsons fan for decades -- going to the record store in the late '80s always started with looking for new music in the the D's (Duran Duran), A's (Alan Parsons Project), and P's (Alan Parsons Project... and Pet Shop Boys). On a whim, as I often do, I looked at airfare for the next weekend. Roundtrip at $400+? That's what I expected: far more than I can reasonably justify.

Then at dinner, "Don't Answer Me" came on my 1200+ song Spotify playlist, and I took it as a sign. Somewhat inspired by Big Empire's Neon Gutter podcast (Cheapo Vegas was the Vegas website back in the day), I'm gonna see if I can do Vegas on the cheap. How many of my own rules can I break this trip?

DAY ONE

Broken rule 1: Only buy airfare through the airline's site.

Google Flights showed a roundtrip available for $126 through Expedia. There's a catch:

Broken rules 2 and 3: Don't fly the nickel and diming low cost airlines.

The catch: Frontier Airlines down and Spirit Airlines back. Carry-on luggage any bigger than a laptop bag will cost more. Seat selection will cost more. Beverages will cost more.

Still, could I find somewhere to stay, cheaply? A night's work later, I compiled this for two nights, August 17-19:

Spreadsheets? Yeah, you know me.

So I could've gone with #DirtyCastle for roughly $4 net, Luxor for $68, or I could burn some Caesars Rewards points and stay for free. Already in the mindset that I don't care, as long as the room has a bed, shower, and no health hazards, I decided on Harrah's, somewhere I've never stayed in my previous 37 trips. The credit card gave me a free night offer (yes, it comped Saturday! 🍀 #1!), which...

Broken rule 4: Get the highest tier comped room you can.

...which I could have used at Caesars, Paris, or Planet Ho, but nah. I ain't that bougie when I'm on my own, and Harrah's reportedly remodeled their rooms, and I do want to check off as many (reasonable) Vegas hotels as I can.

So Saturday morning, I've scarfed down an egg/bacon McBiscuit and I'm boarding on-time (🍀#2!) , on my Frontier flight to Vegas. Row 34, full plane, but at least I'm not stuck in a middle seat. The woman in the seat next to me, about my daughter's age, is clearly nervous. I'm paying attention to my iPad, but as we're climbing out of SeaTac, we hit a small bump and she grabs my arm, apologizes, and braces herself against the seat in front of her. Five minutes later, another small bump, she grabs my arm and apologizes again. 

Broken rule 5: You're an introvert. Act like it.

Fine. I take out my headphones and work to calm her down. She's only flown a few times before, and turbulence scares her. For the next two hours, I do my best to distract Sierra, a Vegas local, from the bumps, turns, and engine noises, talking about tourist-vs-locals perspective, education, family, pets, and more. In the end, it was actually a very nice conversation.

An uneventful Uber to Harrah's, and I arrive two hours before the 3:30 check-in time (didn't it used to be 3:00?). I check in through the app, and although it offers early check-in for a fee, I'm here to be cheap. The app also told me that Caesars' annual "Quest for Rewards" was underway, with a challenge to earn 25 credits at every one of their Las Vegas properties.

Broken rule 6: Don't chase comps
Broken rule 7: Read the fine print

I play some video poker and slots at Harrah's and Linq, checking off those two properties. As many times as I've said to myself late at night, "self, you should really play video poker on those strip-facing machines at Linq's Re:Match bar," I finally did it, drinking a Modelo because most of the other taps were dry. It's too hot out there. I'm now up $50, plus whatever bonus points ("tier credits") I've earned for checking off two Caesars properties. I still have no idea -- I haven't checked yet, and just remember that it was completely worthless last time.

At exactly 3:30, I get the e-mail that my room is ready. Sure, that's a coincidence. There are two different kinds of kiosks in the lobby: one to check in, one to get keys if you've already checked in. Foolishly, Harrah's has all of the "get keys" kiosks behind the rope with the same line to get to them as to get to the front desk, so those kiosks are essentially being unused whenever the first dozen people in line all need human contact.

Broken rule 8: Go with the flow

Venetian has cars parked higher
than my room

After standing in the long line for about five minutes, a guy pops his head out of the VIP check-in room and pulls the three parties in front of me out of line to check them in. We're near the back of the line, so that's kinda weird. But heck, I'll follow them. After he points them to the VIP check-in desk, he turns to me, and I ask about accessing the kiosk just to get keys. "No problem," he says, and unhooks the velvet rope allowing me into the check-in desk area. (🍀#3!)

Room 49024 is about 7 floors up and has a sweeping view of the food court roof, the Casino Royale parking garage, and Venetian's St. Regis tower mural. No matter. The room is remodeled, clean, with no stains, no chipped paint, or any visible maintenance issues. How is this a Caesars property? I ditch my bag and head out.

North to Casino Royale (loss) and Palazzo (small win) gets me down to even for the day. I Uber to the Smith Center for the show.

Broken rule 9: Some of the best food in the world is in Vegas. Don't waste a meal.

I grab a $22 meal consisting of a turkey sandwich, chips, a Coke, and cheesecake. It looked, tasted, and definitely was a "catered" meal from a company that specializes in corporate meeting brownbag lunches. Whatever. This isn't that kind of trip.

The Smith Center is a beautiful art deco facility, shiny marble and stuff. The auditorium has four levels, and as I said in a Facebook post, it's a pretty standard big city theatre that you'd expect touring Broadway shows to use. 

As I'm waiting for the show to start, I'm doomscrolling again, the algorithm identifies me again, and suggests a concert for the following night: ABC and Howard Jones at Virgin. Click, click, buy.

Alan Parsons' show was great, with my favorite Alan Parsons song, the Poe-inspired "The Raven", performed in its entirety and again later as a reprise. "Prime Time" (Spotify link) was a 10-minute epic, mutating into a shredding guitar solo halfway through, then segueing into a melodic piano piece, before concluding into a rocking full band conclusion.

Broken rule 10: Don't walk around outside the tourist areas after dark

The Golden Gate letters have
stopped rocking. Get on that, guys.

I'd scoped out my walking route back to Fremont Street a few days before, and was glad it was as safe and uneventful as I expected: through the city parking garage (with a lot of the concert goers), take the skybridge across the railroad, walk through the city hall garage, left on Main, and into the Plaza. The scariest part was the sidewalk bicyclist who passed me from behind without warning. Plaza has the best video poker in town, and sure enough, handed me my biggest video poker loss of the trip, which I made back at slots. I then wandered down Fremont stopping at The D (broke even), El Cortez (down at craps, up at slots -- thanks, cows! 🍀#4), and Binion's (by far my worst slot loss of the trip). Benny Binion always gives a good gamble? Ha! 

Broken rule 11: Don't order food as the joint's about to close

I wandered back to Plaza and grabbed a slice of cheese pizza from Pop Up Pizza, ate it there (it was fine, despite the place closing in 5 minutes), and called my Lyft. Save $4 by waiting 15 minutes? Sure. Then the 15 became 20, then 30, when a driver finally took the bait, getting me back to Harrah's at 3 AM, down about $80 in gambling funds for the day.

DAY 2

Broken rule 11: Enjoy the free cocktails
Broken rule 12: Drink a lot of water before bed

That Modelo I had at Linq? Yeah, that's the only alcohol I've had, and I'm already at the halfway point of my trip. I'd grabbed a water bottle from Pop Up Pizza, too, and it's still mostly full. I roll out of bed just before 11, shower and make myself presentable, and head down to play some High Card Flush. About an hour later, I'm up $70 (🍀#5), so that's nearly back to even for the trip, but I'm getting bored, so it's time to check off more Caesars properties. Flamingo? Earned 25 points, down $40. Cromwell earned 25 points, down $17. I was gonna hit Horseshoe next, but felt like waiting for the at-grade traffic light on Flamingo in the 103° heat wouldn't be fun, and decided to take the escalator instead.

Psych! You know the escalators don't work in this town! I hoped they would be. (Broken rule 13). I needed to get out of the heat, and from the bottom of the temporarily stairs, Paris felt closer than the walk through the Bally's Shanty Town Shoppes. I earned 16 points on slots at Paris, then had to wait for a slot attendant because, well, Buffalooooo! (🍀#6)

Not pictured: my first ever W-2G

In retrospect, I should've asked for a check, because now I've got a $6600+ in my pockets with nowhere safe enough to put it. The cage wouldn't exchange it for a check (money laundering issues, I assume), and suggested Western Union, which would have involved $300+ in fees in a Walgreens, where I saw someone visit the land of unconsciousness with the help of a glass bottle cracked across his skull a few trips back.

I wander in and out of Paris a few times, sit at another machine and spin through another $20 to get those 25 oh-so-nothing tier credits. Google and my credit union's web site told me that an ATM three miles east of the strip would take my cash deposits. I took a cab out to the ATM, bought a Fiji at the 99¢ store while waiting for the cabbie to leave, and tried to make the deposit. Nope. Card not recognized, but only after the machine took the bills, counted them all, then spit them back. I took an Uber to a bank on the UNLV campus. Nope. Card not recognized. I grabbed lunch across the street at In-N-Out ("lunch" at 4:30 PM! The first thing I've eaten today!) and caught a Lyft back to Harrah's, where I stashed my stack in the in-room safe and crossed my fingers.

So after winning big and burning two hours going to two parking lots and In-N-Out, where do winners go and how do they get there? 

Broken rule 14: The monorail sucks.
Broken rule 15: Don't walk too far off strip

I mean, the monorail isn't that bad, if your start and end points aren't too far from it. Harrah's has a monorail station (and there's, like, a whole real restaurant up those stairs, too, and I found another air conditioned umbilical hallway to get from the back of Harrah's to Linq's own Shanty Town Shoppes), and my destination was behind MGM, so it just made sense. 

I'm heading to, um, Red Dragon, of course. 

If I'd been able to read Japanese, I'd probably
have figured out the problem earlier.

It's a divey locals joint across Koval from the back of MGM's parking garage and behind a gas station. When I walked in (and everyone has to be buzzed in by security), there were maybe four customers nose-down in their drinks and one security/bartender person, who, when I asked, pointed me to the room of pachinko machines in the back and said, "I've never seen anyone playing in there." Old internet reviews promised all-you-can-play for $5. Although 11 of the 13 machines were powered on (including one that made a rubber boob jiggle when I pressed a button), there were no pachinko balls to use.

I asked the staff how to get pachinko balls. "Oh. Yeah, they got rid of those for covid. I don't think they're coming back." Dang.

I press the button, the rubber boob jiggles.
I press the button, the rubber boob jiggles.
(No, I didn't take a photo, perv.)

I Ubered to Virgin for the ABC/Howard Jones concert, and the casino was the busiest I've seen it since its Hard Rock days. Not packed full of people by any definition, but midday-Park MGM busy. Spinning '80s tracks: a DJ on an elevated slot machine platform. Think Rio's bevertainers or the security podium at Plaza, but with an electronic four-on-the-floor beat.

Haircut 100 was the opening act, closing their set with the only song of theirs I knew, "Love Plus One". Setlist.fm says they ended with "Favourite Shirts", but I don't remember that at all.

ABC took the stage, with lead singer Martin Fry wearing a jacket identical to the one he wore when I saw them the first time at Cruel World in May 2023. At that festival, I was standing up against the front rail, the set was shorter, and the band was energized. Tonight, sitting halfway across the auditorium, the energy was there, but a bit more subdued. Probably me, plus the addition of a few thousand folding chairs zip-tied together as makeshift seating.

Can you guess it's an '80s band?

Then Howard Jones, in a hot magenta trenchcoat and wielding a keytar, played a few classics, then covered The Killers' "Human" (or are we dancer?), mentioning that they'd just started their residency at Caesars. Yeah, I know -- so many folks in The Killers t-shirts were wandering around mid-strip this weekend. A few songs later, Jones pointed out that his bassist was Kajagoogoo founder Nick Beggs, and covered that band's "Too Shy." He played a few more classics, then Jones wrapped up with the cheerfully upbeat "Things Can Only Get Better".

My big money splurge with my winnings: I bought an ABC concert t-shirt. Then, realizing I didn't want to carry it with me all night (and potentially lose it), I caught an Uber back to Harrah's, ditched it in my room, and hit the Strip. A hop into the Linq next door, where Disco Show recently opened, and as I'm walking past the entrance, a mirrored door caught my eye. Obviously a speakeasy. Yup. Three rooms that I found in there: a NY subway themed room, a warehouse dance floor, and a diner. If I was smart, I'd have eaten at the diner, but Cosmo is my ultimate destination, and there's food there. No broken rule here; Cosmo does have the best food options in town.

I moseyed out of Linq, through Flamingo (the closure of Margaritaville and Bird Bar makes that stretch of non-air conditioned walking not fun), across the skybridge to Caesars' plaza (see, I remembered the Horseshoe escalators were temporarily stairs!) just as the 11:45 fountain show was starting.

Broken rule 16: Check Mark's Bellagio fountain schedule

No matter, I'll walk through Bellagio and catch the midnight show from the elevated walkway near Cosmo. Except as I'm passing the Bally's skybridge entrance, "Star Spangled Banner" is fountaining, marking the end of the day. Yeah, against all logic, that's the 11:55 show. Ah well. Time to head to Cosmo, play some bad video poker at Chandelier, and have a fancy drink.

Broken rule 17: Don't get too attached to anything in Vegas. It'll change

Oh, the drinks that carpet's absorbed

Maybe it's that management shut down Chandelier at midnight to replace the carpet. Maybe it's that MGM is changing the culture of Cosmo. Maybe it's that I expect MGM will be changing the culture of Cosmo. Somehow, it didn't have that Cosmo surreal-meets-youthful-luxury vibe any more. I did my usual walk from one end of the casino floor and back, and it's just as busy as ever, table limits were just as high as ever, nothing's noticeably changed, but the vibe is just different. Is there more dust? Are the staff's smiles slightly smaller? Is it that "MGM Rewards" sign at the Identity club desk? I can't put my finger on it, but yeah, it's just a little sadder, much like Planet Hollywood does each year that Caesars continues to neglect it. 

I play some video poker at the Cosmo sportsbook bar, nursing a Bombay Sapphire gimlet. Either that was a very strong drink (a triple, maybe?), or the In-N-Out food from nine hours previous was failing to soak up the booze, but it hit me strong. Down $50 at video poker, my tipsy self decides to switch to keno (it's bad). I cash out, then I find a slot machine. 

Buffalooooo! (🍀#7)

In my tipsy state, I didn't realize I was playing $1.80 
a spin. That's crazy expensive for me.

I leave Cosmo up about $80, and head over to Planet Hollywood. Gotta check off another 25 tier credits, right? I do so, breaking even, and aim myself back to Harrah's. I prefer air conditioning even to the 84° air, so I walk through Paris towards Horseshoe. Between the two, near the garage escalators, I find a $100 bill on the fake cobblestones (🍀#8).

Note that I totally forgot to eat at Cosmo. Leaving out the side of Horseshoe, I pause to open VegasMate to see what fast dining is available nearby at 3 AM. Answer: not much. Looks like Bobby's Burger place at Harrah's is about it.

I cross Flamingo at grade, and despite other pedestrians making it safely across on red, I don't trust myself 100% (one drink! one!), which gives me the opportunity to see a scruffy guy pushing a stroller with two pomeranians nearly get flattened while trying to Frogger across the street. 

A shortcut into the back of Flamingo ("hey, baby, where you going?"), take a right to get to Linq ("hey, baby"), and across the Caranval Court plaza ("how you doing, baby?")... the ladies looking to make a buck are out in force. I politely dismiss each one, grab a burger and fries from the food court, eat it upstairs, and call it a night.

(Housekeeping never showed, despite my request on check-in. Oh well.)

DAY 3

"Go south! Watch out for the drain cover!"

Broken rule 18: Always leave late on the last day. You're wasting a Vegas day otherwise.

With a little over five hours sleep, I wake up on my own a few minutes before my 9:00 alarm clock. I planned to be on my way to the airport by 10:30 (maybe a little longer -- my flight's delayed about 20 minutes), so that gives me time to head across the street to Caesars and get 25 tier credits, at a cost of $70 loss to see me out of town.

I grab a $7 bagel and $5 can of Coke at the airport.

My boarding pass last night had me in seat 7E (yay front! boo middle seat!), but I'd done the Spirit bid-for-an-upgrade thing, and this morning received an e-mail that for my $2 bid, I was in the window seat on an exit row (🍀#9). Turns out, I was the only one in the exit row (🍀#10). With essentially no passengers around me except for the flight attendant awkwardly sitting in the mid-plane jump seat facing me toe-to-toe, it was an incredibly uneventful flight. (Yeah, they sold me a water for $4.76. Big spender.)

I hope they don't expect me to open
both doors in an emergency.

Now, 30 hours after the trip, I looked to see what the Quest for Rewards tier credit bonuses amount to. Ooh! Despite missing gambling at Horseshoe altogether, I should be raking in about 1800 in extra tier credits, which... um... still gets me nowhere close to the next tier. Worthless! Just like last time! Ha ha ha ha!

Two free drinks. Counter service pizza, burgers, chicken sandwich, McBiscuit, bagel -- $78 in food costs for 48 hours. $202 in Lyfts, Ubers, and a cab. So wrong.

I'd do it again.